Thursday, 4 October 2012

Reflections from a broken mirror still create the most amazing light..

 Fans of my previous blog may remember how few photos I had taken of me during my time of being confined to my mobility chair and even though most people I meet now will talk to me and ask me about it many did not like to pry and I became invisible an occasional reflection in what I perceived to be a broken mirror - I took this amazing shot when I made the first transition of half on my feet half in my chair .It was a quirky little bathroom in Spain and that is bare rock from the mountain you can see in the reflection - as you can tell I am fascinated with nature's beauty.

When is the last time you were happy with a photo of yourself - or the image you have of yourself? Most of us hide behind a camera happily pointing it at others .
 This was taken over Christmas my mobility scooter - I was happy this side of the camera! You can see on the unit behind the girls lots of photos in which I was happy many of them media shots that I had done to educate people about their carbon footprints, or parenting, standing up for labour rights (as in pregnant not politics- although I did do a political campaign lol) I spent 15 years as a volunteer loving every active moment and yet I did not feel any light within me after my paralysis set in . I felt like someone had come over and inserted a dimmer switch which was on a remote and I had no control over - some days I could shine and would be seen other days my light was so dim I retreated into my own darkness , invisible to the world.  I had to face the fact that I owned that switch and I sought help to get control of it.
I began with getting back into volunteering and was welcomed back into the community. Some of you came along to support me when I took part in the Fashion show last year and I blogged about how wonderful it felt to be able to be on two legs albeit only for a short time - at this stage I thought life was as good as it could get .I paced myself and did just a couple of hours a week and still had carers in for all my personal needs and was on a cocktail of high prescriptive drugs and undergoing intensive therapies.
 I made the most of pacing myself and at every opportunity was out volunteering right up until my health took one final turn for the worse . Having tasted freedom I began to dream of a new reflection and of helping others to discover their own unique natural beauty and was forced into  action. I wanted out of my chair for good and with the help of my sister embarked on the task of loosing weight for my next operation.
On New Years I celebrated loosing weight over Christmas as  I was booked for my procedure to remove my toxic PIP implants on January 22nd. I had a full removal despite being assured that my ongoing health issues had no relation to my implants my surgeon agreed that removal and a full capsulotomy was the only option for me.

 My hubby and I took the opportunity to visit newcastle and I caught sight of myself in the hotel mirror and said to my husband I want that mirror - he laughed and said what are you talking about . I told him it made me look slim and he said well you do look different have you not looked. The truth was I had not dare so I bravely took this reflection and posted it on my FACEBOOK wall much to my friends horror !

  As soon as I realised that I could take control of the dimmer switch and choose when to be seen I grabbed it with both hands. It has not been easy and there are days when I do still dim down these days - it is not because I am in hiding it is purely that when I am overloaded in so much pain I do not want to see the sympathy in your eyes , I do not want the children pointing at my walker or my stick and asking why . But on the days or even half days when I am not working from home in my Pjs behind a static image on skype or a screenname in a webinar I turn the lights up bright , not on me but from within me . I shine them on others . I love to support others , I love to make people smile ,laugh and engage with them on a personal level. I am an open book - but this light runs on batteries and every now and then I retreat to recharge . On that note I just want to thank everyone who has supported me from my old NHS blogs, through to the Power of Now group, and so many other groups which finally lead me from living behind a screen to getting back out and doing what I love most . Now I share with you a new me - a reflection on a good day taken on my Birthday last week - and yes my carer came to dress me, and the photographer made me relax and the make up artist put me under her magic spell - but the light I shine is from within a broken mirror . There is no cure for what I have - but I will be sure to fight it every day and for those of you who think you have lost your dimmer switch email me and maybe I can help you find it xx

 Birthday Photograph a new me, relaxed confident and below the two wonderful groups which I support. Wibble an amazing online forum for women in business. The Launch I attended was inspirational and I adore Cheryl she always sees me no matter how dim I may appear .She has superwoman vision and can spot even the lowest of lights shining in her group.

 I also want to thank all the lovely ladies who helped with our Networking mummies Macmillan Coffee which we held the day after my birthday . Even on a bad day I use my time to encourage action with my facebook group and endless twitter and Linked in - I probably drive my friends crazy when I am having a healthier day but they are used to me by now !

It started with a dream, a need , a helping hand or two but action was the ultimate key. It took a lot of people to rebuild what I had lost and for that I am very grateful.  I can honestly see I really found a business community with family as its heart!

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